Saturday, 5 March 2011
How does it feel?
A long time ago I decided to not put personal views or rattle on about the unfairness of life on this blog but recent events have brought me back to that dark dark place...
In life you see there are many things that happen to you but when something becomes recurring it's slightly petrifying...
I wish GOD was more clear in what he wants from us... from me. Whenever something bad happens I feel like it's a punishment and then I try and figure out why and for what? I always think that GOD is trying to teach me a lesson... but I can never figure it out. Maybe it just IS that the world is unfair and there is no lesson to be learnt but simply that.
I've pushed back many bad things in my life into a blissful state of denial but I think that I'm steady starting to realize that thats how things are and how they will always be.
However I do have hope that in the future I'll meet an entirely new set of people and gain an entirely new outlook on life. And all the things that people have done to me in the past will no longer matter because I will be in a perfect state of bliss.
But til that day comes I'm a massive pessimist.
People these days are not genuine. People these days do not care about one another. People these days only do things to impress other meaningless people. Everyday people want to be the best so they can show off to others and gain momentary adoration from people and strangers alike.
I've had such an unlucky time with people recently and instead of thinking I'm the victim I have to have some part in the ruining of these relationships.. right? So I think things over and over and over and over and over and over til i've cased every area and facet of what happened. I end-up playing the victim who is also at fault. So that seems like a realistic conclusion right? No. Wrong. The ratio of victim to fault is unequal to the other person involved. Confusing. So then I think to myself why?
I'm easy. Easy to hate. Easy to love. Easy to use. But most importantly easy to ignore and easy to eradicate. Once i've messed up I've completely messed up and there is no redeeming myself. And THATS what I find so excruciatingly hard and painful to deal with. I can never fight my battle's because I always loose with people. Sorry will never be enough again. Explanations? Well they MUST be fake. Asking for forgiveness? Why bother, apparently one mistake in life is no longer common and we must all be exceptional human beings who make none in any circumstance.
Why can't people grasp the fact that I have stuff going on in my life too. Yes i'm a human being and NO I am not and never will be a robot. I am not perfect and I never will be. I do the best I can for people and people don't appreciate it ever. No one understands the idea of returning the favor. That's why I have stopped doing favors for people because often.. all the time... people are ungrateful. My family situation is not ideal, I am not the richest, not the smartest and clearly not the bravest person in the world. I am so physically and mentally defeated by everyone and everything, almost everyday it's overwhelming.
Girls are all liars. Each and every one of them. Girls try and act as if they are so close and tight and unstoppable forces but it's all a facade. At the end of the day girls in groups fail and crumble because of jealousy and fakery. Girls don't have each others backs in any situation particularly when involving a male. THERE IS NO GIRL CODE! That is a complete myth. I'm not even a pessimist anymore I'm a realist. When girls do wrong.. fine, they say sorry... ok... and then they slip right back into their routine of backstabbing, lying, cheating and general whore-i-ness. All these girls really care about is social status. As cheesy as that sounds that's all it is. So if one girl hates another guy or girl who is popular her friend will not have their back and hate on them only in private and try and make up every excuse just so their social life is easy no matter what kind of deed they've done.
It's the circle of strife.
However there are some few exceptions. I have a few girls who are the best friends you could ever imagine. And when I say few I mean FEW! The less friends you have who are girls the better. Men are proven to be less likely to let you down in a friendship.
Sometimes I think to myself what do you know about me? What do you really REALLY know about me? Nothing really. I can tweet all my life long days but you won't know a thing about me... Or you could know everything about me. Don't judge me though, I didn't ask you too I didn't want you too so go AWAY!
AWAY with your bait indirects bashing me and what my interests are and what I believe in. That was the ONE thing I had and you just pissed all over it with your stupid, immature, retarded poorly executed views and then for a split second it became nothing. Go AWAY! Never do that to me again you worthless spineless human-being... that is the one thing I have and no-one will ever rob it off me again.
However my uxoriousness led me to this...
Listen I love you but you don't love me. I care for you but you don't care about me. I tried THIS time to make it work for you and me but you were exactly the same as the others and I couldn't see it. I couldn't recognize you as being one of them or part of them but you were the worst of them all. The signs were there but I was so naive. So I'll put you on the mantlepiece, right next to the others and watch you rot and decay in a dark room with no air.
But anyway you may be reading this thinking this girl is depressed and sad and miserable. True but not entirely true at all.
Or you may be reading this trying to link what i've said to certain people to try and cause some sort of drama or give you some sort of meaningless satisfaction in the fact that you connected the dots.
Or there is the slight possibility you may be reading this thinking you agree with this.
How does it feel?
How does this make you feel?
For once just feel something that's not artificial or immature and just recognize the words exploding from my mind into this mother-fucking post!
Cause I'm all sorts of angry, all sorts of sad, all sorts of crazy and all sorts of mad!
Then I get calm mixed with a dash of fear and I thank the Lord for the things that he has given me and the people surrounding me, because we must give thanks and praise and we must be grateful for the little we still have our hands on cause any minute now we could let it all slip... any minute now...